Jeenan

Essay 1.

Rapid technological change has shaped the world we live in today. Far from having a positive influence, living in high-tech world dependent on computers and mobile devices has distracted us from what is really important in life.

How far do you agree or disagree with this statement?

You took a chance here by not taking a side. As I said in class, 100% in either direction is safe, 80/20 is better as you get a chance to show off your vocabulary prowess and 50/50 is dangerous. If you don’t try you won’t learn so well done, but if you ever sit the real exam, take the 80/20 option 🙂

REF: How to write an introduction I think you may have been absent, but this is a lovely little article that helps outline how to begin your essays. As it says in the article, the first paragraph is where the reader will judge your worth, and then they will keep this judgment in their head as they read. For example, if you make a lot of errors they will read the rest of the essay with the  bet -there -are -more -errors kind of mindset. They will almost look for them to prove their thesis right! However, if you impress with your first paragraph then the reader will read on with the great-someone-who knows-how-to write kind of attitude, and they will read on, again, to prove their own theory correct and look for proof of good writing, sometimes ignoring errors. This is just human nature.

‘…people do seem to be a little detached…’  

The above style of writing is too chatty. You need to use formal language and formal structure. E.G:

People are detached from significant things in life.

WHAT things ? Cake? Exemplify.

‘People nowadays…’

ALL my students seem to love writing this. Read this article, please. 

REPLACE with  these days, in the modern world, recently, in the last decade etc…

GRAMMAR: When something has happened but the effects are still prevalent, and the actions are still being done, then use ‘are being’ instead of ‘have been.’

You use the term,’real world‘, what do you mean by this?

When you make a statement BACK IT UP WITH AN EXAMPLE.

‘Technology doesn’t stop us from spending time with them, it does actually play a role when bonding with them.’

HOW ? Skype, email, twitter, other things I don’t know about ( Below ) 🙂

  • Google Hangouts. Google Hangouts is a reliable option if you are looking for great quality and cheap rates. …
  • VOXOX. VOXOX is another good alternative to Skype, especially, for businesses. …
  • Viber. …
  • LINE. …
  • Jitsi. …
  • FaceTime.

You wrote twenty -first century in words. WELL DONE, This is an error I would have made, by writing it 21st Century. Thanks for teaching me something! I used THIS WEBPAGES AS REFERENCE. ( and this one )

All in all a good effort.Please read the pages i have linked to as they really are very good reference material for future essays.

 

Essay number 2

Society advances most when people break from the traditions of their predecessors. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

‘Growing up under the roof of an Arab.’

This should be formal.

Growing up in a traditional Arab household. Or Spending my childhood in traditional Arab household.

‘These are just a few lovely traditions being an Arab has to offer’.

This should be formal.

These are just a few of the most memorable, traditions I have been able to share with my family.

‘I would be lying to you if I said..

This should be formal.

It would be inaccurate  to presume/ think   that … OR  To presume that all Arab traditions are unprejudiced  would be wrong…

Jeenan, you talk about,’…people back then…‘ .

This should be rephrased as something like my forefathers or, It was once lore thatOR  Ancient tradition once dictated that…or something along those lines.

Good work. Please review.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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