So, the end of semester 1, and my first batch of FINALS have been written. I’m sure if they were to blog about their experiences my students would say that 30 minutes was not enough time to write a 250 word essay. The essay title though was familiar to them, as we had been working on it for weeks, so all they had to do was write what could be called an absolutely final draft. It seems that the comments I have been writing on the papers are all pretty similar so I have posted the essays here and then written the advice below. This is SHARING and I hope that it is seen as constructive and a positive thing.
Some great advice for the writing of formal essays can be found here on THIS LINK.
Here are the essays…the ends of all of them were somewhat rushed so we need to work on our TIME management.
Essay number 1 :
The opening sentence does not 100% answer the question.Remember to always answer the question, so be careful when you paraphrase that you don’t misinterpret the question. the question here is
Rapid technological change has shaped the world we live in today. Far from having a positive influence, living in high-tech world dependent on computers and mobile devices has distracted us from what is really important in life.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
If you say that ‘I completely agree with the statement that technology has distanced us from what is really important in life’, you run the risk of running off at a tangent. Here you are saying that technology itself is to blame, whereas the question’s statement actually claims that it is ‘technological change‘ and living in a ‘high-tech world‘that is the issue here. These things are similar but debatably different as you are claiming technology to be the problem, and the question is saying that what technology has been doing, or the level of technology itself that is the issue. This can be compared to a puppy being harmless, and quite cute, but when it eats your computer it is being destructive.
In my perspective = level UP From my experience.
Namita, good opening paragraph, just clean up the grammar, paraphrase the question more accurately, and make the vocabulary more formal and you’re winning.
I , myself is not necessary. Just say personally
Gadgets are countable, technology is not.
“Teenagers,instead of studying or having fun with their friends stay in the corner of a room or prefer to stay indoors,which creates a gap between their social life and interaction with people reduces.”
Why are they in the corner?
Try rearranging this eg: Instead of studying, teenagers spend most of their spare time Facebooking or using social network applications such as twitter . Over use of these applications can cause them to become reclusive, having very little physical interaction with other human beings and sometimes rarely even going outside their rooms or houses.This can cause severe long-term psychological and social problems.
Self-explanatory = obvious
NOTE: Some people may not see things the way you do so it’s not advisory to say this.
Instead use: It is clear that this kind of behavior will eventually have negative impacts on society. OR In my opinions this kind of behaviour….
Good effort Namita. Lack of time, but where was your plan? Even if you know your essay in your head take a short time to write your plan. It will save you time in the long run.
Essay number 2:
Namita, good opening paragraph.
Grammar tense. When we talk about concepts or traditions we use the present tense.
The concept of arranged marriages is followed from generation to generation. They believe this way of getting married will last longer.
NOTE: Who are they? BE CLEAR. When you use pronouns make sure we know who or what you are talking about.
Career, what career do I choose?
Don’t ask yourself questions in the essay. Try instead;
Pre-arranged marriage is only one subject the Asian teenager asks themselves about.Young people, like myself, also wonder often about the career path they should like to follow. HERE would be a good time to refer to your thesis statement…
I shan’t say anything about the rest because I know that you were out of time. Had there have been a plan I could have looked at that for the structure of the essay. It may have helped you too.